The Problem with Rest Is...

…It’s not so simple for some.

The 1st May, would have been my mum’s 75th birthday. It’s been two years and four months since she suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Whilst this fact has been floating in and out of my mind over the last few weeks, something very different has been happening to my body. Over the last few days, I have noticed interrupted sleep, an aching body, clenched fists and a general irritable demeanour - largely attributable to my growing to-do list (or at least so I thought).

“You need to rest”, I was told by a friend, which was swiftly followed with, “Could your thinking be a distraction mechanism, a form of self preservation for not really feeling your feelings?” My reaction, partly, a sinking in the pit of my stomach, a realisation that I was avoiding the deep sadness that I carry, and partly frustration. I spend my working days sitting with other people unpicking their thoughts and feelings and yet this time I was caught off guard by my own.

So I tried. I cancelled meetings, moved prior commitments and put the phone away. I created space for me to just “be”. Yet somehow, although I accessed a little more stillness, my head was still filled with a very long and quite frankly very unimportant list of to-do’s. At that moment, I realised that resting is not as easy as it sounds. Instructing ourselves to rest and even giving ourselves permission, is not always enough.

The Barriers to Resting

When rest seemingly is the one thing we need, why is sometimes so very difficult to access? It got me thinking (not just in theory but also in practice) about what gets in our way, other than the usual push and pulls of daily life, what is it that holds us back? Why do some find it harder than others and how do we really feel about needing rest?

The Modern World of Work - Perhaps this is changing, or at least I’d like to believe it is, but there remains a certain badge of honour that comes with busyness. Hustle is still part of our daily vernacular when it comes to how we find the next client, customer or project, The grind is still accepted as par for the course.

Today’s Approach to Wellness - We’re bombarded with a plethora of activities to which we need to subscribe to apparently live our best lives. If anyone here has journaled, meditated, been for a morning run, not forgetting to stretch, drank their concoction of creatine and collagen, sorted their meal prep and booked their spin class all before work - please do let me know. It seems like there are so many things for us to ”do” which I can't help but feel can add to the very problem it’s designed to counteract.

Deeply Rooted Limiting Beliefs - How many of us grew up in households where we’d hear, “You need to work hard if you want to achieve in life”, "Success requires sacrifice”, “Rest is something you earn”. In part perhaps some elements are true, and on the other hand, do we develop some firm core beliefs which without exploration can become more of a hindrance than help?

Knowing what Rest you Need - Maybe there is something in identifying what type of rest you actually need. It is said there are seven types of rest that everyone needs.  I imagine we may need more than one at multiple points in our day, and to varying degrees.

1. Physical: resting your body, be it a good night’s sleep, naps and the right relaxation 

2. Mental: resting your mind through meditation or mindfulness

3. Emotional: recognising, processing and expressing your emotions

4. Sensory: lessening sensory input, a digital detox and connecting with nature

5. Creative: finding time and space to feel inspired

6. Social: spending less time on people that drain you and more with those you feel connected to - even if that’s yourself

7. Spiritual: finding a sense of belonging, purpose and contribution

Maybe giving ourselves the type of rest we actually need allows us to fully receive what we truly need in the moment.

The Power of Our Brain - Body Connection

Many of us live in our heads. In the western world, we spend most of our day in the waking state, where our “normal” state of thinking and mental activity happen. The Beta frequency is associated with problem solving, alertness, logic and critical reasoning. It’s no wonder when we feel “off”, we try to think our way out of it. 

I saw it in myself.

I couldn’t think my way into rest.

At times, we simply cannot mentally get there. Forcing ourselves into our bodies and make us get out of our heads. Sometimes we need to feel and release what our bodies are storing. They say, after all, that our bodies keep score.

There are powerful practices that bring me home to my own physical body; breathwork, yoga, soundbaths, Trauma Release Exercises (TRE).

I also know that sometimes we need a little help to get us there. Having someone hold up the mirror and show us what we need is so helpful. Holding the space, as well as protecting it, is valuable beyond measure.

Redefining what Rest Really is

The definition I like the most is from Tina Chummum, a psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist: 

“We are composed of a mind, body, and soul, and this means that when we consider resting, it is not merely the absence of any activity, but a concept that encompasses various dimensions of our physical, mental, emotional, and psychological being.”

However you look at the way it is defined, it speaks to a very intentional stopping and a healing of mind and/or body.

In Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman shares a perspective on time that feels particularly relevant here. It is finite, and on average we only have around four thousand weeks to live. We spend our time trying to control the very thing which we cannot. We think if we pack things in, we’ll somehow have more time - more time to do this and that - and yet time doesn’t increase.

Time is something we participate in. We experience it.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve even turned rest into productivity.

We need to rediscover leisure for its own sake.

Real rest is purposeless, unoptimised and intrinsically valuable.

So maybe it’s the relationship we have, either knowingly or unknowingly - with rest that’s an issue. Perhaps it’s our connection to our physical body. Or perhaps we simply do not know what we need, and a little help from those around us is part of the answer.

I think we don’t need more time. We need a better relationship with the fact that we can’t do it all.

And circling right back to my late mother - maybe we all, too, need to rest in peace, albeit whilst being alive.